Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Things that make you go...HUMMMM....

As most of you know we had an unfortunate hiccup in the adoption process last fall that eventually moved our plans to adopt from the hot plate, to the back burner to entirely off the stove. Both of us had a really hard time dealing with the sudden loss of our plans. Even L had a very difficult reaction, which absolutely broke my heart. However, difficult it was, we moved on, got through the holidays and settled in for a long winter of weekend trips to VT.

For Valentines Day my husband decided to take me out for fondue since I LOVE fondue. We decided to go the Saturday after 2/14 b/c we hate feeling rushed on Valentines Day and it is hard to get a sitter. So that Saturday we drove into Boston for a movie and dinner. We went to a new movie theater near downtown crossing and were lucky to get street parking a block or so away kind of near the Theater District. As is always the case, when you actually DO find street parking, you DON’T have quarters. So we jogged around the corner to find a store to get change and low and behold we found ourselves smack in the middle of Chinatown. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t get to Chinatown in Boston to save my life- NYC is a different story. Boston’s Chinatown as always been this elusive area for me. Anyway, I got an immediate knot in my stomach when I saw the McDonalds with Chinese lanterns over its doors. We ducked into the first store we could find and as we flung open the door and jumped inside, we were confronted with a sea of Chinese wares. Everything went instantly blurry except a display of tiny brocade Chinese shoes. I remember SJ asking for change as I walked over to this wall of shoes and could not believe how many colors and sizes there were. SJ got the change and we left quickly so not to miss our movie.

We ran up the street through fierce cold wind to our theater. We had a lovely time at the movies and at dinner but I realized that day that I had not resolved my feelings about this adoption but had in fact just swept them under the rug. I, in particular, have been struggling ever since with the feeling that something has been taken from me. Do you ever wonder about fate? I do. I am a big believer in some sort of grand plan and that life guides you. I feel like it was fate that we found that parking spot, to have needed quarters and ducked into that store. I probably could have gone on for a while pretending that everything was okay. I am once again feeling frustrated and heartbroken but I think it is better to acknowledge these feelings and actually deal with them than to just tidy them up in a box on a shelf. So part of my dealing with them is writing on this blog- not sure why, but I am.

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